perchance to dream

Here I am again, mooching off the university computers. I stopped by to see my friend Henry, one of the computer consultants in here. He spends most of his time telling people how to print double sided and pointing them toward the stapler. Ah. My peers are so bright.
My own computer, hopefully, will be back to me by Monday. The Best Buy Team of Deception tells us that they had to keep repairing things because there was "water damage". Psha! False!
Whatever. If they give me back a computer and there is a working CD player, I will sing praises and stop whining. I am sure they, too, will be glad to be rid of this. The British Airways website also now says that laptops and small electronics are allowed on flights. All is well with the universe again.
These past few days have been stressful. In retrospect, it was mostly unnecessary, but not much can be done about it now. On Tuesday one of my first tables walked out without paying their $40 bill. There was a mix-up and I sincerely doubt it was done on purpose, but it did enough to put me in a foul mood. About an hour after that, I sent a big tray of 3 entree salads flying across the restaurant. Oh, I didn't simply drop them. I'm pretty sure I would up and catapulted them. I don't even know how that was possible, but I was suddenly in a pile of lettuce with tears forming in my eyes. After that I melted down a bit over in the sidestands, which was for a lot of reasons. Even I wouldn't cry over spilled lettuce. My coworkers comforted me, and my boss assured me that I was still one of his favorites, even though I'm so clumsy. My tables were also understanding and patient. The rest of the night wasn't as eventful, thankfully, and eventually I only had to pay for half of that bill.
After walking home from work, I had a turbulent conversation with my dad, which led to more tears. I was filled with tears that night, I think.
I realize that my parents are stressed out about me putting an ocean between us, but I'm kind of in a bind. If I kick and scream and talk about how I'm scared , my parents will only worry that I'm not mature enough to handle this move. But if I'm strong and ready to get the hell out of here, I'm afraid they'll take it personally. I told my dad about how I'm planning to stay in Europe for Christmas, which I guess he didn't know about. I've got two sets of parents struggling to find the money to visit me next year, so why would I come home for Christmas, where I can be jet-lagged and only get to stick around for 2 weeks? Obviously 4 months from now I will be dying to come home, especially during Christmastime. But how often do parents get to travel over to Europe and see their children living and thriving there? (Well, I'm assuming I'll thrive) I want to share that with them, rather than eating up all that money to come home and pass out face-first on the couch for a week. And I know they'd love to come and tromp around a bit with me. I realize they're going to miss me, and that is of course a good thing.
Obviously, I'm most worried about missing my immediate family, but this is just something I need to do. I need to break myself off and force myself to figure life out on my own. Throughout the years, I have been very thankful for my parents' help, but all too soon I'm going to be out there on my own. I don't want to completely crash and burn once they're not around to pull me out of the messes I make. This program feels like a good halfway. So many things are already organized for me, but I do have a lot more independence than I would in Ann Arbor. I am apprehensive, but in a healthy way. I am not ungrateful for the millions of things my parents have sacrificed for me. Instead, I would hope they look at this as my attempt to show them how well they have taught me to manage myself.
And, anyway, if they weren't worried about me, I would be concerned. I'm not one to put my parents at ease. I can't have it both ways.

Lately I've been having nightmares. Most of them involve me lost and alone in some European city, without an money or anywhere to go. Others involve similar themes, such as loss of control or intense feelings of helplessness. All of this somehow relates back to Freiburg. There's so much I can't do here to prepare, but once I get there I fear I'll remember a thousand things I should have done.
Sleep is supposed to be my one safe haven from stress. How dare you thoughts plague me so!

Alright I suppose I have ranted on enough. My list of Freiburg Prep continues to expand by the minute, and I'm hungry.