intimidating and emulating

I hate the feeling that things are moving forward without me. Or, not even forward. Even if I feel like things are moving in an opposite direction, it frustrates me. In general, I just enjoy it when people are on my level. And I feel like this makes me a horrible person.
For example, I hate feeling inadequate or as if I am in any way unable to keep up with the current flow of things. Then again, I suppose that's everyone. But at the same time, watching someone else flounder while I continue to pursue something also angers me. I think I get unnecessarily annoyed when I have to repeat myself several times or if someone doesn't understand something that I find mundane and simple. My first instinct is to ignore them. Now, if I feel that someone is legitimately trying or that they have the intellectual capacity to handle something and simply can't for some other reason, then I don't get upset. I enjoy helping people, actually. I genuinely enjoy feeling like I'm of use. Giving really is a wonderful feeling.
I have also noticed that I give off a horrible first impression. I often come off as close-minded, snobby, shallow, stuck-up, etc. I've often been told that I'm "intimidating", which I find ridiculous because I'm usually running into things or picking my nose. Even my closest friends have agreed with me about this, but they tell me that once someone gets to know me, they find out who I really am. I mean, I do have my moments where I am a horrible brat, but who doesn't believe that they're a worthwhile person to get to know? Yes, I am definitely not all smiles, small talk and giggles...which is odd because my sister and mother are filled with all of that. I'm the odd one out in the family, I guess. I'm the cold one.
I wish I could be the type to immediately come off as a warm, giving person. I wish I could also give people the benefit of the doubt and accept them and their flaws as readily as others do. Hopefully this will come with maturing and I won't judge people so harshly. It's incredibly limiting. Think about how many opportunities I'm missing out on. I'm missing out on inside jokes, stories, random phone calls, surprises, and connecting with another human being, which I find to be absolutely magical. But then, how am I not adhering to my own philosophy? To be honest, I think it's me being insecure. Very insecure. And covering it up in some weird, twisted, snotty way. I am such a headcase.
The greatest people I know are also the warmest and most accepting. They are never quick to judge, boast, or elevate themselves above another person. I think Jesus said something about this, about how lowering yourself below another person is also the most fulfilling?
Jesus. Now THERE'S someone who knew how to be warm and giving.
Note to self: emulate Jesus

Being abroad is really giving me an opportunity to look at my flaws under that good ol' proverbial microscope. I am not surrounded with people who are quick to accept me and love me regardless of all the stupid things I do. And, yes, I am incredibly thankful for them, but being here is so good for me. Even though at times I want to run off, crawl into bed, and curse myself for leaving The Land of Comfort and Kraft Mac & Cheese, I am happy here. I am elated that this is a challenge for me and my people skills. I love people and the millions of things they have to offer. Now, I need to start acting like it.

These past few days have been...ehhh...We finished up our 4 week class, which was exciting. Now we're in the process of picking out our classes, which won't be too difficult. Since we really have had no obligations, this has led to a lot of running around Freiburg wildly. Today Julia and I sat in my kitchen for basically the entire afternoon eating bread, fishsticks, Haribo gummi bears, peaches, french fries, coffee....The point of this story is that we were just horribly bored and continued to eat for no reason really. So, it's a Saturday night, and the only place I will have gone to today and will go to will be Neukauf. Right now Julia's up in her room with Ben and Alex watching the U of M vs. MSU game on the Internet. I've never been one for football. I have better things to be doing with my time than watching a bunch of sweaty gorillas running into each other. I realize that there is a certain amount of skill involved, but it's not a skill that I care to study. You can take a certain chunk of my tuition, boys. That will be my contribution.
My only regret is that I am not in Ann Arbor to sell my tickets and then go shopping with the proceeds. Last year for the OSU game I made $200, got to sleep in, and then we lost. That was nice for me, even though 99.9% of the student population and my little brother were heartbroken. Shucks.
Alright, since I am in a cynical, weird mood, I'll cut this entry short. I apologize for all of this boring junk as I try to figure myself out. This blog is partially for entertainment, but on the other hand, I'm also using it as an outlet to vent about life here. And hey, this does have a lot to do with how I'm functioning in Europe.
But now, please, go eat some mac & cheese and read some scripture, for my sake.