internal and external hurricanes

If anything, I'm learning modesty. And I don't like it.

Ok, I will start from the beginning.
Today, about 15 minutes after waking up, Maxi warned me not to go outside because an Orkan was coming.
der Orkan - hurricane
What the hell, Germany?
It's not really a hurricane, because it's not circular, but that's just the German word for huge storm. Orkan Kyrill started out by Ireland and has made its way over northern France towards us. People in the city were getting hit with shingles, the winds were so bad. All the IES kids (our rival study abroad program) were advised not to go into the hills under any circumstances.
So, I of course hopped into Tom's Lupo to go storm-chasing, because I secretly have a death wish.
We just drove up to Schauinsland, climbed to the summit, and stood in some crazy wind for a bit. Oh man. Nothing like that to make you feel alive...and slight insane.
The scariest part was probably watching gigantic trees swaying about and creaking in the wind over us as we drove down. Nothing huge was crashing down around us, but still...
After returning from our adventure every weather channel, radio station, web site, etc. was advising all people to stay indoors until tomorrow morning. Hm. Get pelted with shingles and go to choir, or stay home, make cookies, and attempt further bonding with roommates.
Crap. I chose wrong.
I bought what I assumed would be the right supplies at Edeka with Tom which included flour, white sugar, brown sugar, baking powder, etc. I found the recipe I know best online, converted everything into liters, and went to town.
They went horribly horribly wrong. I suppose I could have blamed German ingredients or the fact that I haven't converted fractions correctly since the 6th grade, but instead I immediately got down on myself. I needed a slight push over the top and I guess that did it for me.
My first batch I immediately threw away, which Maxi protested and dragged out. The second batch I gave up on entirely, put them in the oven, and more or less locked myself in my room.
I just didn't want anyone to see me cry, which marks a very large difference in my behavior in Germany and in the US.
Tom took care of them (which I knew he would anyway) and gave me a bit of a lecture about how life is hard for everyone.
Ok, I realize that my problems are petty and slight compared to those of the majority of the world, but the fact is I am still human. I am going to get down on myself from time to time. It's inevitable.
And when I do, I have become entirely used to having people to turn to. I have a large family and am unusually close to distant relatives. I'm incredibly close to my parents and would like to think I also am with my siblings, although sometimes I think they'd rather see me dead. I also have developed a tightly knit web of great friends, at home and in Ann Arbor, whom I can comfortably bare my soul to.
If I were in the US, I could comfortably cry to any of these people about ruined cookies and they'd immediately understand the deeper meaning, ask the right questions, and open their arms to me. I've gotten used to that over 21 years. Spoiled in a lot of wonderful ways.
But I don't have that here. I have people I can talk to, but no one who can immediately look past the obvious and into what's really bothering me. I have learned how to cry alone, in secret, and not nearly as often. I have been met with challenges that would have made me completely crumble a year ago. Yes. I'm maturing. I'm growing. All kinds of amazing and positive attributes are popping out all over my personality in frightening ways. Blah blah. But it doesn't mean I don't miss comfort, security, understanding, and compassion in all of the faces around me.

Alright that last bit didn't much follow along with my intro. Onto that now.
I know how to make cookies. Yes, I am an immediate disaster in the kitchen, but I've been making chocolate chip cookies since I was old enough to reach over a counter. It's perhaps the one thing I can actually do very well in a kitchen and even though it's one measly, simple thing, I take pride in the fact that I can make a mean cookie.
So, when I messed that up today, for the first time ever, it was just another point for Germany. And all the time, I feel that Germany's racking up points and I'm struggling to keep up.
Take, my roommates for example. Granted, they are all older than me, but they make me feel so insufficient, juvenile and stupid. Christoph's in Med School and wakes up at 7 AM all the time to get to class. Tom's doing his thesis on Biomedical Engineering and in his free time is cooking amazing things. I believe Serena's doing doctorate work translating ancient Greek texts. She also just got back from Australia, where she was visiting her boyfriend while he travels the world.
Oh, they also all speak multiple languages, are remarkably healthy, and are continually kind and helpful. So it's impossible to hate them. And they all have great shoes!
So here I am, a German major. I'm struggling to learn their language when they've already completely learned mine and it's not even what they're studying. I feel like their pet American, sometimes. Like "Awww. Let's see what grammar she screws up today!" or "Aww. Let's see her not know how to use the vacuum!". I feel like the little kid who can't color between the lines.
I'm doing my best, I'm just not used to this at all. All of the things I'm good at in the US don't count here. I can sing, which helps in choir, but the fact that my German vowels aren't impeccable holds me back. At home, I'm good at German but here I'm obviously handicapped. I'm a good writer and reader...in my own language. I'm good with boys but here, my love life curled up and died for some reason. I've lost interest in the male species for some reason.
That in itself is reason enough to cry.
It's wearing, even though I know, in a weird way, it's good for me.
I just know that there are people out there who would have been able to see past the flour on my shirt and the rain in my hair, straight to the unformed tears.

At least today, the weather understands me.