maps of the mindset/mindsets of the map

Relaxing is so much more enjoyable when you feel that you deserve it.

I'm bored, which is something I hate being. I doubt anyone really enjoys being bored, but I hate even admitting that I am. Being bored means you're not being creative with your time, or you're just being lazy. OR you're a child and just want to disagree with all of the suggestions your parents give you. Ah. Those were the days.
Of course, these days the suggestions coming from my parents are great. Mom tried to convince me to join my friends for a cruise on the Medierranean, but that's when Lizzy's here. And Dad was going on about southern France. I am trying to figure out my travel plans but it's getting very confusing. I have no idea where Lizzy and I will end up next week, so we'll discuss it when she's here. She says she absolutely doesn't care, but I don't believe her. At this point I'm thinking a night or two in Munich, but who knows. Then after that, tentatively Budapest, Brasov, Bucharest, and Istanbul, but this all needs to be discussed once Natalie gets back from wherever she is in Europe. And then, a weekend in Spain to do nothing but sit on the beach and read about 4 books. And then...Norway? Morocco? Here is my list of places I would still really, really like to see while here. Have fun with it.
1) Berlin 2) Amsterdam 3) southern France 4) Stavanger 5) Barcelona 6) Florence
This are kind of in order...well, not really. We'll see where I end up. No matter what, I am still seeing a lot more of the world than I probably deserve to.
That's the future. It would sound a lot more cheery if I weren't in such a crap mood. The highlight of today was the super cute guy Stephanie and I saw at the T-Mobile store. That or the whole grapefruit I ate. I'm telling you, things are really exciting around here.
I met up with Steph for lunch to hear all about her travels. First, she went to Russia with Erica which I guess ended up being a grand adventure. No one spoke English and they all hated tourists, so she said it taught her a lot about being a good traveler. They also couldn't pronounce anything and it took them 2 hours to find their hostel in St. Petersburg. After that I guess they literally had to write things on their hands and hold it up so that they could get tickets on the right trains and such. And she learned to avoid the police, since they harass tourists and charge them for anything they feel like.
Oddly enough, I was wildly jealous. What an adventure! I can't wait to get into Eastern Europe and be completely out of my element and be dressed like a completely hobo. That's what being young is for. Questionably hygiene and doing things in a foreign country that your parents probably wouldn't approve of. Feel free to quote me on that.
But, alas, Russia is not in the works. At least not this year. I would love to go there someday, but not now. It also takes such a long time to get Visas and such. For like a week in February all my friends were talking about was paperwork to get into Russia. I almost felt left out because I didn't have any formidable looking Cryillic documents. Maryia was getting ready to go storm down the Belarussian embassy in Berlin because they almost didn't let her go home to see her mom. It was all very dramatic around here for awhile.

As for my OWN travels...
I have no idea when the last time I wrote was. Probably about 4 months ago, as my father told me. But, anyway, I'll do my best to recap.

FATHER - The weirdest part of having my dad around was paying attention to his mannerisms, because I figure that's kind of like seeing what I'll be like when I'm in my 40s. And that whole bit about your parents becoming your friends the older you get is starting to make sense. Terrifying. Another weird thing I'm realizing is that I do look up to my parents about a lot of things and I very much value their advice, but I am simply going to disagree with them on others. And when I was little that always seemed to be a bad thing, I guess. But now I am older and establishing my place in the world, so it's ok to disagree and have my own opinions. They have mature justifications now and aren't just products of teenage spite. I'm not fighting with anyone about it. Actually, I'm learning the art of biting my tongue. I think that's the magical thing, no? Me? Biting my tongue?
For my curious parents reading this, I am not referring to one specific thing. In fact, I can't even think of an example. So stop wondering. I am growing into my own person. It's nice.
So, yes, it was wonderful seeing my dad, but iit was also very surprising. I honestly thought I would get upset with him and that there was no way we'd peacefully coexist for a week. But I didn't give the ol' guy enough credit, I suppose. Or myself. And my dad got a ton of father-daughter time, which I know is something he's wanted for years.
I choose to thank the Atlantic Ocean.

EX-BOYFRIEND - John and I are an old married couple in a lot of ways. I guess a lot of that is because he's the only guy I've dated who started out as a really good friend. We also were especially close my freshman year at U of M, which was...tremulous.
Wow. What a good word for 2005.
John also surprised me a lot, which was nice. We only bickered with each other once, and that was when we were in Rome, decided to take a walk after dinner, and I figured a map wasn't necessary. Needless to say, 4 hours later we returned to our hotel after exploring in depth corners of Rome that I really didn't care to see. But I did get to see all of Rome that day and the weather could not have possibly been better. I also got to see all of it with a boy who watched out for me, which meant giving the death stare to any man in the Metro who was getting a bit too close. And John really does give a great death stare. Even I was afraid.
Italy is great, but every time I venture out of my Germany bubble, I feel it. I have some very American ways which will probably stay with me forever, but I've noticed little changes in my mindset. For instance, my cleanliness, taste in desserts, and even how often I smile at strangers has all changed. Oh and my raging addiction to coffee. But Italy is obviously violently different. I whined a few times about the streets being dirty, men staring blatantly at me, and how loud people were being. John just told me to be quiet.
I'm horrified to think of what's going to bother me when I come home. Ok. Avoiding that thought.
Seeing John was wonderful and I tried to kidnap him so he couldn't go. Shucks.
My only regret is that they closed the SISTINE CHAPEL. That was #1 of my list. I gave some Swiss Guards serious attitude until John yanked me away.

AUNT, UNCLE, & COUSINS (oh my!) - The Baldwins absolutely met expectations. It was glorious. We got lost several dozen times, got the cops called on us in Salzburg, had a bloody accident on a luge in the Schwarzwald, and did our best to find suitable food for Dylan. I had a marvelous time with my family and it was nice having some intense bonding time.
The only sad part was when Aunt Kathy would suddenly look a lot like my own Ma. And then made me miss her a lot. Don't get me wrong, it was great having a Mom-figure for a week, even though she wasn't my favorite person at 8:30 in the morning. Victoria was groaning too, so I didn't feel too bad. But in Salzburg she woke me up with coffee, so she made up for it...kinda.
We got to see all kinds of great tourist sites in Bavaria, Austria, and the Schwarzwald. And we did so in an Audi A4 hatchback, where I was smushed in the backseat with Victoria and Dylan. It reminded me so much of when Jimmy was young, since Dylan is 8 and that was a mere 5 years ago. We had to get on Dylan to blow his nose, not get his feet all over the seats, stop repeating phrases just to drive his sisters crazy, etc.
I really did get awesome little brother training. And in return, Jimmy is going to be such a pro when one of his girlfriends starts crying over nothing and melts down into a blubbery mess. You're welcome, Bub.

So, as you can see, my personal connections and I have been all over the map...literally.

Now, I am not traveling, and haven't been doing much in the past week. I accidentally volunteered to clean out the oven. I also went to go see 'The Departed' in German, and I had NO idea what was going on. I understood about 90%, so I think even in English I would have been lost. But, Leonardo Dicaprio was very enjoyable to look at. Despite the thug boy look he had goin' on. I've also started running more, which is great. I love running. I just hope my shins continue to agree with the idea.
And now, I go make the dinner. Lizzy gets here on Saturday. I don't know how she's going to handle having Europe in the palm of her hand, but it'll give her a taste of my life.

six months

I have yet to start my paper, which probably should be stressing me out, but right now it's not. I suppose that's because it's the only real worry on my mind right now, which I figure is pretty remarkable.
I have so much to update, but right now I'm too exhausted to. Normally I don't write unless I'm ready to commit to a lengthy entry bursting with detail and nonsense, but this will just be me venting, I guess. I've got a few thoughts roaming around my head and I figured I'd share them, because they are such beautiful thoughts.
First I spent a week non-stop with my father, which was actually wonderful. Then I spent a week straight with John, which was also wonderful. Not only did I get to see some amazing places, but I got to spend time with two of my favorite people in the world. Now I am lonesome and very aware of the fact that no one will be crashing on my little air mattress tonight. There will be no one to wake up and greet tomorrow. I thought I would be rejoicing to have all of my personal space back, but I think a part of me also knew that I'd miss sharing it. One of my favorite things to think about is generous people who have very little. Like the tales of poor people who share their last scraps of clothes with beggars on the street? I'm a total sucker for all of that. I also love the feeling that I'm taking care of people, which means my maternal instincts are finally surfacing after remaining dormant for far too long.
(But don't overestimate me. I still get nervous when I think about babies. They're just one step up from a football on my scale of "Interesting Things", because they can move and they are mildly interesting to look at, but that's about it because they smell and are loud. Any baby related to me earns extra points, but I just don't feel like I can connect with them until they hit the toddler years. Being able to walk and talk earns a someone a lot of respect from me. And you'd be surprised at how many people my age can't really master the latter.)
Anyway, it's not like I was sharing scraps with my dad and John, but it was nice to have them here in my world. And I happen to think it's a spectacular world, in which I have now lived for 6 months.

Tonight I finally met my new roommate, Tanya. She comes from Milwaukee and is a Business major at UWisconsin. She's in a 9 person program of Wisconsin kids over here for one semester. All but one of her classes are in English, but she seems to have pretty good German. We chatted for a bit in the kitchen and she invited me to go get dinner with some of the kids in her program, so I accepted. Write my paper vs. meet new people. After all, I am a Krug.
After dinner, I went with a few people to Innisfree to grab a drink and continue chatting. They had two middle aged guys playing live music and we had a good time identifying the songs, sharing roommate horror stories, making fun of Britney Spears, and discussing travel plans. Tanya is very cool and I think she and I are definitely going to get along well. Tom moved out last week which just makes me horribly sad every time I think about him not being just down the hall from me. But now Tanya's here, so hallelujah. She also had to ask me how to mop and how the kitchen duties work. Perhaps this will prove to my roommates that I am not the only clueless one. All Americans are born allergic to menial tasks.
I left Innisfree at 11, after only having one drink. I have no doubt that I'll see those people again, because we Americans have to stick together here in the Vaterland. I walked home in the rain and immediately after getting home, called David, the Perfect Man.
My ex-boyfriend, Dave, kind of gets randomly dragged in and out of my life. Ok. I phrased that poorly. But I do call him maybe 4 or 5 times a year, and it's always when he least expects it. He doesn't mind it, and always sounds genuinely happy that I've called. It's entirely impulsive and I have no idea why I do it, but usually it's when I'm most content with my life. The last time I saw him was a few weeks before leaving for Germany, when I went out to get sushi with him and stole his wallet at the end of the meal. We argued for a good 10 minutes about me paying while I literally sat on his wallet until he finally caved, but he did make a few growling noises. Whatever. He's paid for so much crap for me. I felt wonderful about returning the favor. I appreciate being spoiled but sometimes I like spoiling. Especially when I am a waitress and am walking around with way too much cash.
We talked for maybe a half hour. He's living in an apartment in downtown Chicago for a while, which is all paid for by his company. He's got a bunch of friends coming down for St. Patricks day and he's got a new job working for the company that he really likes. I asked him if he was happy 3 times in a row, because usually people who aren't really happy break down after number 2 or 3. I don't know. It's just something about hearing that phrase and hearing yourself lying about it if you're not really happy? Maybe I am just making up mental tricks that don't really work but they sound good in theory. Are you happy? Are you happy?
I told him all about my family, running around Europe, volunteering after graduation, blah blah. He confessed that he was planning on stopping by my dad's house the next time he was in Michigan so he could get my address in Germany to send me something. The only contact he has with me is my cell phone, and that's in some drawer somewhere in Michigan, so I guess he really wanted to get in touch with me. Wow.
I told him I'd call him again after I finish my paper. That will be my reward. That and the glistening new scrapbook I bought yesterday, which will hopefully be completed for your viewing pleasure by late summer. Then maybe I'll let him send me something. I'm curious to see what it will be. Knowing him I will have to yell a lot about not being too generous.

He turned it on me, of course, and asked me if I'm happy.
"I have nothing to complain about. Yes. I am."
Which actually, scarily, is the truth. And actually a very backwards way to put things. Maybe there is something about growing up that lets you settle nicely into your life. Every day I feel more and more like I fit comfortably into my own skin, even though I am well aware that I have no idea where life will lead me. Going to Germany isn't helping me earn the degree that "respectable" society is going to fawn over, but it is providing me with the life skills that will ultimately make the difference. So, for the time being, I am not going to worry or stress, or waste energy on the things that don't matter. I'll make my aunts proud, who are living vicariously through me.

I promise glittering updates about Germany, Italy, and the men in my life will follow. I just have to survive until Wednesday and then I will be able to properly float.
Are you happy?